Dear Heavenly Father
The last day or so I have been in tears. First, I'm living with my sister currently. I love my sister and my family but I'm not sure why she is always so angry at me. I know she suffers from anxiety and depression. Just seems she hated me and resents me. I know I have to move soon as part of our agreement as I was waiting on my disability and since ai heard from them it's time. I'm also just in tears my boyfriend John whose fighting Stage 4 Stomach Cancer I was asking him about plans if he still wanted me to move with him but he seems reluctant to discuss in detail. I understand he's under a lot of stress with finances etc. I had mentioned when I move I can look for a full time job being out of work force since my strokes happened it won't be easy to find right away which I'm thankful I have my health insurance to cover me in meantime. Father I'm going to be honest we've had long distance for 9+ years I know he has extreme combat PTSD as well still works in military govt although he hasn't as much due to his diagnosis of the cancer January 2021. My strokes happened in 2015 then I had to go through process of disability as I couldn't work as I lost my speech cognitive and memory. I understand it's his PTSD he says he loves me and needs me especially since his diagnosis but it's so hard to talk about it with him. We got into a ln argument since I told him I needed to leave my sister's and our plan was to have me move with him. I just know what's going on I understand it's the cancer, finances and PTSD but even though he says he loves me and needs me and agreed I should move with him it just seems impossible to talk to him about it. I gave him an easy out and said if you don't even though I would be disappointed I would respect and figure out. One...my family treated him wrong while I was in hospital. I understand his PTSD and his military govt work his job was in jeopardy due to how my family handled while I was in hospital they just don't like him but he hasn't done anything even one of them said John didn't do anything wrong. From going through my own therapy my family is codependent and enmeshed and I have learned to place boundaries and maybe that's why my sister is angry at me. I question why I even made it through my strokes...life has always been a constant struggle for me to taking care of my ill stricken mom when I was 9 until she passed away when I was 13 when I was 18 I learned I had health issues similar to my mother and I get older I get more sick had my strokes. I was my mom's caregiver after she had her strokes and she was bedridden when I was 9. With little help from my family. My sisters got angry when I said no to taking care and loving with my father as he lost my stepmom in 2021. I have so many health issues and my focus on John as well it just seems like my family is resentful towards me. They have helped me when I got ill in my early adult years. Father, please forgive me for all my sins. I'm just at a lost. I have placed boundaries with my sister which I understands gets her angry. I do my best to help her around the house but anything I do she not happy with. I feel like I walk on egg shells just trying to stay out of her way. Then John...I just want to love him spend my time with him. I am doing online schooling to finish my degree I do need to focus on my health too haven't taken care of myself like I should due to the stresses. Father, please guide me and John. I know he needs the love and support to continue fighting for his health. Please continue to lay your healing hands on John and rid of all the cancer cells in his body. Please restore his health I am asking for a miracle for more time with my best friend and love of my life. I will continue to pray everyday keep faith keep hope alive. Father we can't do this without your help. Thank you for always guiding us in past and loving us. Thank you for what you will continue to grace us with your undying love and grace. I will also start seeing if I can put some feelers out there with my resume and maybe something might turn up I need remote marketing work full time with health insurance. I don't know what will come up but Father I trust in you that you will guide me to what I need and what you want for me. We love you. In Jesus' name. Amen.